House [BA]
Premise:
Chase: She could get amnesia?
House: No! It the suds of of soap opera! You’ve killed the audience. You’ve killed them! Next try?
Cameron: She could get into a car crash – not life threatening, but enough to shake her up and force her to rethink her lifestyle.
House: Yes, as long as you want to bore the audiencce to death. What else could be wrong with this? Foreman, break into the actress’s house and find what’s interfering with her acting.
Setting:
INSTITUTIONAL CLASSROOM WITH LARGE WINDOWS – NOON.
The room has a single bookshelf stuffed with classics and a shrine to The Elements of Style. Three students sit at a table. CAMERON is reading Writer’s Digest, CHASE is pretending to read another issue, but is actually watching Cameron. FOREMAN is flipping channels on on overhead tv.
A crochety old expect (HOUSE) walks in with a limp, leaning on a cane, and holding a folder.
You’re behind the times, Foreman. No tv this week.
House, we’re media experts. We signed on to doctor a tv program a week.
CAMERON
Foreman’s right. Saving dying programs is our duty.
FOREMAN
(Glares at House)
Well if we’re not going to save a show this week, why did I bother coming to work?
HOUSE
A fair point from the cinematography expert. Let’s hope you know something about basic plotting.
CAMERON
(catching Chase looking at her)
Chase won’t be much use either, then. He’s the talent specialist.
If you don’t want cameras, I’m betting you don’t want actors.
HOUSE
So says the character expert.
CAMERON
It isn’t fair to cut out their specialties.
HOUSE
But you’re also the morality police. Damn.
Will you arrest me? Do you still have those fuzzy handcuffs?
CAMERON
How much Vikodin are you on?
HOUSE
Not the issue. Cuddy sent us a special assignment. One that will prove most of you useless.
FOREMAN
Why are you riding us? We know basic plotting. I minored in plot twists.
HOUSE
Creative writing? Pansy.
FOREMAN
(offended)
What? You do creative writing.
HOUSE
(rolling his eyes)
Yeah. But I’m better at it.
(Throws the file onto the desk)
HOUSE (cont’d)
Cuddy wants us to fix her friend’s writer’s block.
CHASE
(had been reaching for the file, but jerks back his hands)
Crikey, mate! Writer’s block? Is that safe? I hate to get involved with terminal cases.
And this stuff is catching. I think we’ve got union rules against it.
CAMERON
You’d condemn her to die alone? We have to help her,
or find out if all that’s left is to ease her suffering.
HOUSE
Gah, you’re sickening. I don’t care about this case, but Cuddy won’t
buy us a new flatscreen until we get the writer’s problems diagnosed.
CHASE
(Staring at House’s cane)
We wouldn’t have to do this if you hadn’t been demonstrating
fencing techniques in the viewing room, mate.
HOUSE
And if you hadn’t failed that lesson and let the show go under,
maybe you and Cameron would still be having fun.
FOREMAN
(Ignoring them)
If she’s terminal, there’s nothing we can do. Why should
we be held responsible for her problems?
CAMERON
Foreman, we’re problem solvers. How is diagnosing the writer that different
from getting the actors in touch with their character or forcing the director
to give the show a different angle?
HOUSE
Don’t worry, you’ll still get to break into her house, black stallion.
FOREMAN
(Rolls eyes)
We don’t even know what the case is about, yet.
HOUSE
You didn’t mug your way into this job. Read the file.
CAMERON
(Picks up the file)
This says she’s finished the first draft. But it’s…oh no.